Thinking about Mother Teresa

Last week the kids and I celebrated Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta's Feast Day. Born in 1910, she chose to dedicate her life to God at a young age and joined the Sisters of Loreto at 18 years old. Shortly after she began missionary work in Darjeeling, India. At age 36 she felt the call from God to help the poor in India and with a little medical training and littler support, she founded The Missionaries of Charity. The organization's purpose was to take care of "the hungry, the naked, the homeless, the crippled, the blind, the lepers, all those people who feel unwanted, unloved, uncared for throughout society..." Over time the organization was grown from 13 members to over 4000 nuns all over the world.

While I was researching her life a bit, I came across an article about the article Time magazine wrote about her when her personal letters to her advisors and confessors were published. I had heard some time ago that Mother Teresa had only really felt God calling her to serve and care for the poor for a very short period of time - like five weeks or something - and the rest of the time she lived hoping she was still in His will but felt or heard nothing to confirm it. As these letters read, she lived in spiritual loneliness, seeking God and hearing nothing, feeling empty. Some people, after reading this, accused her of hypocrisy. I stopped reading the article. I was angry and discouraged and frankly, a little sickened that someone would slander her with accusations of hypocrisy.

I spent some time taking with Keith about it all and one became clear. We love, LOVE, to make saints out of people. We put them up on their pedestal for the good things they do and praise them for it. We are really good at encouraging our brothers and sisters with our words of affirmation. I'm sure Mother Teresa heard no end of the accolades. Being radical and sacrificial in your faith will earn you a first-rate seat on a pedestal. It looks great from below - posh even. But up there it is lonely. So often, the church falls into the trap of flattery at best, idolatry at worst.

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Each time Keith and I were asked to talk about living at Matthew House we would try to stress the idea that we were regular people. We understood that we could help inspire others to try take more chances in their faith but a lot of the time I felt like we were just widening the gap between the us and the them. Of course, I know all of the encouragement we received was well-intentioned. I think there is a part of each of us, though, that ironically feels that praising the example of others exempts us from getting involved ourselves. If we looked a bit harder at the people doing the work we would realize they are just like us, and perhaps it is only ordinary people who are able to carry out extraordinary work.

One of the reasons Keith and I chose to live at Matthew House with two small kids was to show others it could be done. It was messy and logistically challenging and some days we hid in our room. On those days it wasn't a word of encouragement from an outsider that helped. It was a one volunteer watching the kids while Jan took me out and bought me a cupcake. It was practical. It was people coming alongside and sharing the load - offering not just a word but an understanding of what it is like to be you. It was community.

I wonder what kind of replies Mother Teresa got from her superiors. I wonder if they were lofty words of encouragement or if they were sincere, humble acknowledgements of the struggle that is believing in an unseen God. I wonder if the church contributed to her loneliness by placing her and her work so far above ourselves - so out of reach. I wonder if she would have been betters served if the church viewed dedicating your life to the cause of the poor, the sick, the hungry, the orphan and widow as normal lifestyle choices for followers of Jesus. I wonder if winning the Nobel Peace Prize was the loneliest day of her life.

It was surprised to feel better after hashing this out. I felt better because I realized Mother Teresa was human. She was broken too. She had strengths and weaknesses, insecurities and flaws and redeeming qualities just like the rest of us. I realized that I too, had idolized her to an extent and was disillusioned by the article I read more than I was discouraged. I could even relate in a small way to her in her spiritual loneliness. I too felt God fully at work as we prepared to move to Matthew House. I also felt silence from Him while we were there. I'm still reflecting on that point. How interesting that once the real work has begun, God may be silent, perhaps waiting for His church to be His hands, His voice, His comfort.

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Last week the kids and I celebrated Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta's Feast Day. Born in 1910, she chose to dedicate her life to God at a young age and joined the Sisters of Loreto at 18 years old. Shortly after she began missionary  work in Darjeeling, India.  At age 36 she felt the call from God to help the poor in India and with a little medical training and littler support, she founded  The Missionaries of Charity. The organization's purpose was to take care of "the hungry, the naked, the homeless, the crippled, the blind, the lepers, all those people who feel unwanted, unloved, uncared for throughout society..."  Over time the organization was grown from 13 members to over 4000 nuns all over the world.

While I was researching her life a bit, I came across an article about the article Time magazine wrote about her when her personal letters to her advisors and confessors were published. I had heard some time ago that Mother Teresa had only really felt God calling her to serve and care for the poor for a very short period of time - like five weeks or something - and the rest of the time she lived hoping she was still in His will but felt or heard nothing to confirm it.  As these letters read, she lived in spiritual loneliness, seeking God and hearing nothing, feeling empty.  Some people, after reading this, accused her of hypocrisy. I stopped reading the article.  I was angry and discouraged and frankly, a little sickened that someone would slander her with accusations of hypocrisy.  

I spent some time taking with Keith about it all and one became clear. We love, LOVE, to make saints out of people.  We put them up on their pedestal for the good things they do and praise them for it. We are really good at encouraging our brothers and sisters with our words of affirmation. I'm sure Mother Teresa heard no end of the accolades.  Being radical and sacrificial in your faith will earn you a first-rate seat on a pedestal. It looks great from below - posh even.  But up there it is lonely.  So often, the church falls into the trap of flattery at best, idolatry at worst.

Each time Keith and I were asked to talk about living at Matthew House we would try to stress the idea that we were regular people. We understood that we could help inspire others to try take more chances in their faith but a lot of the time I felt like we were just widening the gap between the us and the them. Of course, I know all of the encouragement we received was well-intentioned.  I think there is a part of each of us, though, that ironically feels that praising the example of others exempts us from getting involved ourselves.  If we looked a bit harder at the people doing the work we would realize they are just like us, and perhaps it is only ordinary people who are able to carry out extraordinary work.

One of the reasons Keith and I chose to live at Matthew House with two small kids was to show others it could be done. It was messy and logistically challenging and some days we hid in our room. On those days it wasn't a word of encouragement from an outsider that helped.  It was a one volunteer watching the kids while Jan took me out and bought me a cupcake.  It was practical.  It was people coming alongside and sharing the load - offering not just a word but an understanding of what it is like to be you. It was community.

I wonder what kind of replies Mother Teresa got from her superiors. I wonder if they were lofty words of encouragement or if they were sincere, humble acknowledgements of the struggle that is believing in an unseen God.  I wonder if the church contributed to her loneliness by placing her and her work so far above ourselves - so out of reach. I wonder if she would have been betters served if the church viewed dedicating your life to the cause of the poor, the sick, the hungry, the orphan and widow as normal lifestyle choices for followers of Jesus. I wonder if winning the Nobel Peace Prize was the loneliest day of her life. 

It was surprised to feel better after hashing this out. I felt better because I realized Mother Teresa was human. She was broken too. She had strengths and weaknesses, insecurities and flaws and redeeming qualities just like the rest of us.  I realized that I too, had idolized her to an extent and was disillusioned by the article I read more than I was discouraged. I could even relate in a small way to her in her spiritual loneliness. I too felt God fully at work as we prepared to move to Matthew House.  I also felt silence from Him while we were there. I'm still reflecting on that point.  How interesting that once the real work has begun, God may be silent, perhaps waiting for His church to be His hands, His voice, His comfort. 

Rocketships Save the Day

Time for another installment of Storytime with Isaiah.  I do my best to write down the story verbatim so sometimes it doesn't quiet make sense but is still enthralling.  

Once upon a time there was a little boy named Isaiah and Isaiah was a space cadet. And so Isaiah had a mission from his boss. His boss said "Isaiah, wait - I got a mission for you. You gotta attack the aliens and boom them with your long boom!"  (I believe the "boom" is the boom arm on a crane.)

"At your service" he said.

And so a newspaper and tv said "ALIENS ARE ATTACKING THE WORLD!"

Do you know who his boss is?  Spance Burger. (He told me this with utmost gravity)

So Isaiah rushes to his room, gets his space armour on and out he went out of his door and to his rocket ship. He got in his rocket ship and zoomed off with a blast of wind. He zoomed of to the Alien Waterblast. The Alien Waterblast is a different kind of space. And he went there at zip speed!

He went off and he found the aliens by pushing a button and winding a swirl kaswirl. (I looked confused so he tried to clarify) The swirl was on the inside of the boom. And them he winded up and smashed the alien rocketship. And the boom went right into the rocket ship and boomded the aliens into squashded goo. And the goo went flying into outer space and into the sea where a shark ate them up. And the shark spitted them out and they turned into seaweed. (He wanted to further elaborate on the demise of these poor aliens but I thought this was enough gratuitous violence for one story).

Isaiah saved the day and he went back to earth and had a picnic. And Grampa and Grandma and Auntie Allie and Uncle Phillip and Uncle Trenton and Aiden and Auntie Mer, Nana and Papa came for a visit and they ate it all up and soon they were done.  (My apologies to the rest of the family who were left out of Isaiah's list.  Keith, Lucy, Charity and I didn't make the cut either).

The End.

Here is a picture of Isaiah in his rocket ship.

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Oh What a Busy Day...

Saturday was a quiet day here at home.  Keith was away in Oakville for the elders energizing and equipping meeting and I was here with the kids, listening to the thunderstorms pass by, each of us working away on our own projects. Lucy and Charity took long naps, Isaiah built a helicopter with tinker toys and string and I puttered along on a quilt top.  It was lovely and serene (for the most part). 

The sun was back yesterday and the temperature cool which triggered the annual apple picking buzzer that goes off in my brain and whines incessantly until there are 20lbs of apples in my kitchen. Although I was all gung-ho to get me some apples, I didn't have my best start out of the gate this morning.  I stayed up too late and was up early to get us out the door on time for church. On time for this morning meant in the car by 8:05.  The coffee maker acted up. Three times.  We were out of peanut butter. We made it, but I didn't have any coffee and there were no post-church peanut butter sandwiches packed. I did manage to grab four apples on the way out of the door. I know, I know.  We were going apple picking - why would I bring apples from home to eat. Because they were there - which is the same reason they were eaten right after church.  :)

On our way home to pick up some warmer clothes before heading to the orchard we drove by a school where a local church was hosting a community picnic. Lunch issue solved. Hotdogs and pulled pork sandwiches free of charge. bouncy house. Bible story for the kids.  You bet.  

Onward.

We gathered up our things at home and headed for Mountain Apple Orchard.  It takes about half an hour to get there but it was a pretty neat place.  The apple cider doughnuts were delicious ($8/doz). The apple cider was pretty good too. The apples themselves were a little small but many of the were red and ready for picking - most were still on the trees. They charged $25/20lb bag. There were smaller bags for $16 but those were for sissies.  

They also had a huge corn maze, straw jumping for the kidlets, some crafty things, alpacas, a big dirt mound, and used books. The used book selection and pricing was the best I have seen in a long time.  We bought 16 books for $4.00. Yup, 25 cents a book. Brilliant. I'd like to write more about those books in another post and talk about the collection we're trying to build for our kids. 

And so, at the end of the day we had three tired kids, each nearly asleep, two even more exhausted parents, and one delicious apple crisp fresh out of the oven. And 19lbs.of apples to go.

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Oh What a Busy Day...

Saturday was a quiet day here at home.  Keith was away in Oakville for the elders energizing and equipping meeting and I was here with the kids, listening to the thunderstorms pass by, each of us working away on our own projects. Lucy and Charity took long naps, Isaiah built a helicopter with tinker toys and string and I puttered along on a quilt top.  It was lovely and serene (for the most part). 

The sun was back yesterday and the temperature cool which triggered the annual apple picking buzzer that goes off in my brain and whines incessantly until there are 20lbs of apples in my kitchen. Although I was all gung-ho to get me some apples, I didn't have my best start out of the gate this morning.  I stayed up too late and was up early to get us out the door on time for church. On time for this morning meant in the car by 8:05.  The coffee maker acted up. Three times.  We were out of peanut butter. We made it, but I didn't have any coffee and there were no post-church peanut butter sandwiches packed. I did manage to grab four apples on the way out of the door. I know, I know.  We were going apple picking - why would I bring apples from home to eat. Because they were there - which is the same reason they were eaten right after church.  :)

On our way home to pick up some warmer clothes before heading to the orchard we drove by a school where a local church was hosting a community picnic. Lunch issue solved. Hotdogs and pulled pork sandwiches free of charge. bouncy house. Bible story for the kids.  You bet.  

Onward.

We gathered up our things at home and headed for Mountain Apple Orchard.  It takes about half an hour to get there but it was a pretty neat place.  The apple cider doughnuts were delicious ($8/doz). The apple cider was pretty good too. The apples themselves were a little small but many of the were red and ready for picking - most were still on the trees. They charged $25/20lb bag. There were smaller bags for $16 but those were for sissies.  

They also had a huge corn maze, straw jumping for the kidlets, some crafty things, alpacas, a big dirt mound, and used books. The used book selection and pricing was the best I have seen in a long time.  We bought 16 books for $4.00. Yup, 25 cents a book. Brilliant. I'd like to write more about those books in another post and talk about the collection we're trying to build for our kids. 

And so, at the end of the day we had three tired kids, each nearly asleep, two even more exhausted parents, and one delicious apple crisp fresh out of the oven. And 19lbs.of apples to go.

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For the Littlest...

I was looking at my fabric cupboard the other day and was struck with inspiration to make my baby girl some Squishy Blocks.  I didn't use a pattern since they're just cubes.  I sewed some ribbon tags on them as well for added fun and to make them easier for her to grab and pick up when she's ready.  For now she can just admire the pretty colours - and I'll admire her adorableness. 

Swimming in May

We took the kids camping last weekend, our first with the kids.  I have limited camping experience. I've slept in a tent in a campground a handful of times and although I did complete a 4-day canoe trip (for credit) in university, it was hardly a great experience.  For starters, we didn't get to decide what food to bring so a lot of groups had a raw beef roast in their food barrel for four days. It didn't look good by the end.  I also had severe road rash on my right hip having fallen down a large hill while rollerblading two days before we left on the trip.  Not my best moment.  All this to say, I was charmed by the idea of camping with our kids, but I wasn't sure how much they - or I, would enjoy it.

 

Turns out, I do like it.  Even with black fly season upon us and sleeping in a 3-man tent with five of us.  The kids LOVED it.  Wow.  And the weather - we couldn't have asked for better weather.  I went swimming. Like, under the water without getting a headache.  Growing up near Lake Superior means that swimming before July is not for the faint-of-heart.  It is cold - and it stays cold.  It's just that the outside temperature gets hot enough that you stop caring how cold the water is.  But not here in Ottawa.  The Rideau River was perfect, if not a little weedy.

 

Now we're just trying to figure out where and when we can go next.  And we'll have to buy some equipment of our own. Our friends were kind enough to lend us what we needed for our trial run - but I need to return it to encourage them to get out camping too!

~ this moment ~

"Daddy, you help me poke the water?"

In the Garden...eventually

Isaiah and I have just finished up his Space Unit Study we've been working away at for the month of April. We used this book as the backbone for what he's learning.  He's a clever little boy and he really enjoyed learning about the planets and other celestial bodies floating around out there.  Since we're wrapping that up last week, we've started looking at the Green Thumbs book and planning some of our summer school activities.  Now I'm super impatient for the Powers That Be to put sod in our backyard so I can get going on the gardens.

Isaiah and I have made plans to grow veggies to eat (and make salsa) and also flowers that attract garden helpers like bees and butterflies. We're also hoping to make some bird feeders and our own sprays for pest control.  I'm really hoping to create a beautiful and productive space out there with enough room for the kids to be able to run around a little. 

Right now our back yard looks like a mud bog and unless I want to try to chip dried clay off the knees of their pants and rubber boots - the kids really can't play back there. We have plans to fence the sides of our yard as well but that may be a project for next summer.

Earlier this week we did our first "Green Thumb" activity - planting seeds in egg cartons and putting them in plastic bags which work like little greenhouses.  The weather was rainy so we had to do our project indoors.  Now, believe me, I knew it would be messy, I'm no fool. But I did lose my temper at one point when I was trying to clean up and Lucy kept walking in the dirt and then walking on the floor and simultaneously Isaiah kept squirting one section of egg carton with the spray bottle until it lost all structural integrity and folded into a very soggy, very muddy mess. Sigh. Next time I think I'll wait for a sunny day since neither of those incidents would have been an issue outdoors.

Anyway, our seeds are still below the dirt but hopefully we'll see some shoots soon. If you're looking to do a fun project with your little one, may I suggest a Fairy Garden?  They use Chia Seeds which sprout super quickly for those impatient kidlets and it is always fun to decorate. I thought I had a picture of one we did a couple of years ago but apparently I do not. Here's a tutorial if you'd like one.

~ this moment ~

"Can I put my fingers in the water, Daddy?"

Weekending...

We have a lot of fun with the kids on weekends.  We try to go on at least one big walk with them and then usually have an errand-type day as well.  Here are some pictures of our more recent weekend adventures.

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Yarn Along

I've recently picked up the Guernsey Wrap Shawl I started knitting back in October or November but abandoned to finish up Christmas presents and baby items.  I am really enjoying the project.  It is knit from charts, which is challenging for me at times but I think I have a pretty good system worked out so I don't lose my spot.

On the recommendation of Maria Popova of Brain Pickings (which I think you should all subscribe to on Facebook), I've started reading Einstein's Ideas and Opinions.  As it turns out, the man wasn't just a physics genius and had a lot of very good thoughts about a lot of important things.

Yarn Along

Joining up with Ginny again today for the Yarn Along.  Do you see this mountain of goodness? I know I've shown fabric and yarn - but it's all so yummy.  The white and blue yarn is Berroco Vintage Worsted and is destined for the Shellseeker sweater and the sock yarn (Berroco comfort sock) will hopefully become Windward.  Yarn Harlot described Windward as having that "post-apocalyptic shabby chic" style that captures the "I'm so cool my clothes are rags" look.  I love her.  And I love these patterns - so shout out to  Heidi Kirrmaier. Click on her name to check out her other designs.  The pink ball of yarn with the sequins was chosen by Lucy, who accompanied me on this yarny expedition.  There was a sample scarf knit up with it that she fell in love with - so I have one more project to add to my list. The fabric has been sewn up into a birthday present for my niece.  I'll post pictures of the final product once I get it sent off in the mail - I can't ruin the surprise :)

I'm still reading A History of the Ancient World and haven't started anything new - but Keith and I did listen to Sinner by Lino Rulli over the weekend while we were driving in the car.  I thought parts of it were really funny.  I didn't much care for the added commentary with Father Rob, though.

the dance of being wife and mother...

The receiving blankets and spit-up cloths are scattered throughout the house - along with a breast pad I must have taken out during one of the night feedings. My pillow isn't on our bed - it's in the living room with a heap of blankets - an attempt to give Keith a good night of sleep.  The washing machine just chimed to tell me the load of cloth diapers is clean. The tiniest of our babies is grunting at me from her bouncy chair - her bed of choice when she has a tummy ache.

I look in the mirror.  My hair is a bit disheveled since I shower before bed now instead of in the morning.  Sometimes it isn't quite dry when I lie on the pillow and looks wonky when I wake up. I'm wearing my glasses, which I do a lot more these days because pregnancy seems to change my vision somewhat permanently.  I'm thinking of that picture I saw of myself from nearly 6 years ago. And sometimes I long to be that girl again - the young bride Keith married and took honeymooning in Cuba.  Tight body, tanned skin and all his. It was as if every nerve I had was naturally tuned in to him. 

Fast-forward 5.5 years and three kids and this connectedness takes a lot more purposeful effort. We can't possibly be as focused on each other as we were before we had kids. The joy is that the desire to be has never faded - the joy of simply being beside him. We are best friends and lovers and part of the dance is trying to hold the two in tension.  Life's demands have taught us to laugh with (and sometimes at) each other, to make ourselves available to one another and to cherish those times when we can focus solely on the other.  I hope, after our kids are grown and on their own and we find ourselves once again alone with each other - he'll still see me the way I looked on our honeymoon. 

A Journey through Photos

The first two weeks of Charity's life have been full.  She has been to an Ottawa 67's game and seen her dad compete in the Million Dollar Shootout.  She has been to Stanley's Maple Sugar Farm and to church, the doctor's office and various shopping locations.  She's been held by some of the people who love her the most - grandparents, great friends, siblings, Mum and Dad. Truthfully, she's slept through most of these experiences (save those doctor's appointments) but I hope they - along with the photos we've taken will help her understand that she is part of a family and a community that has loved and included her right from the start. 

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this moment

What are old dance costumes for?

Yarn Along

I'm a day behind, but I'm Linking up with Ginny's Yarn Along today. I'm reading (and will be for quite some time) Susan Wise Bauer's The History of the Ancient World.  She would be on my list of most inspirational women.  That combined with the fact that I love world history almost makes this a guilty pleasure to read.  I bought it for myself for my birthday in February and have made it about 250 pages in.  I'm trying to read it during the kids' quiet time each afternoon instead of watching a TV show - but I have yet to master the art of knitting while reading so sometimes the TV wins out.

As for knitting - in true knitterly fashion I have several projects on the go.  I'm finishing up a Pebble vest although I'm not sure who it is destined for as of yet.  I'm also still working on a spring cowl that is traveling around with me in my purse.  Today (and featured in this picture) are socks I'm knitting as a thank you gift for my friend Heidi who came for a week to help out after Charity arrived.  She's a good friend, this Heidi-girl.  Worth all 40, 000 stitches of a pair of socks.  I'm knitting them with Knit Picks Felicity Sport in the Groovy colourway with this pattern (so far).  Heidi saw the yarn in my stash basket and liked it so that part was easy :)

What are you knitting and reading these days?

First Days...

Our baby girl Charity Sophia Dow was born nearly two weeks ago - March 11th, 2012 at 12:33am.  She was two weeks early so she only weighed in at 5lbs. 12oz.   My parents along with my friend Heidi were here visiting and helping with the other two little ones while I had a chance to heal and fall in love with this wee one.  It gave Keith the time to fall for her too.  I have been trying hard to move slowly and savour each day of newborn-ness. They really are fleeting.  Life is busy and full right now - with   soothers and night-feedings and the warm weather, walks to the park, dirt and puddles.  I hope to post here again soon.  In the meantime, for your viewing pleasure - Charity.

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this moment

Wind Man (who runs so fast he makes wind) and Purple Girl (who changes the colour of things into - you guessed it - purple, and freezes things).  

A Birthday for Lucy

My sweet baby girl turned 3 last Friday.  I tried to get this posted on the day but the photos weren't cooperating.  I remember her arrival like it was yesterday - perhaps because there is another baby girl due to arrive soon and I've been reviewing that process in my mind more often lately.  I remember her tiny face and her perfect eyebrows that one nurse said looked like someone had drawn them on.  She cried - oh - she cried.  She was hungry and things take a couple of days to get going in that department so until a nurse finally suggested we "top her up with a bit of formula", I was at a loss with that little perfect girl.  I slept on the couch for the first four months of her life, with her in the bassinet beside me. Finally she was ready to room-in with her brother and she's been with him ever since until this past December. She has grown into an independent "big" girl who would prefer to get messy than get cuddled.  She is creative and resilient and really really funny. She is a little mum to all of her babies and stuffies.  She is also a very loyal little sister to Izer.  It has been a great joy to see them love and look out for each other (most of the time).  When I asked her what she wanted for her birthday she told me she wants her daddy.  Well, cake - and her dad.  Keith has been working overtime lately so the kids have been missing him.  I tried to let go of my nesting urges to clean clean clean and let them get a bit messy on the big day.  They played with a sink of water in the upstairs bathroom and made caterpillars out of egg cartons. In the afternoon they got to decorate purple cupcakes with bright pink icing.  I hoped it would take them 45 minutes or so to do all of those cupcakes.  It took about 15 minutes and that was because I was bottlenecking the process with my slow icing skills. I suppose I greatly underestimated the desire to eat the cupcakes post-decorating.  On Saturday we took them to the toy store to pick out a present and then to the swimming pool. I was so proud of how brave they are becoming.  I think Lucy is part fish.  I have one button to sew on to Lucy's birthday sweater.  Almost there.  I'll post pictures of the finished product soon.    

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Oh, February...

You are a tough little month, February.  Last year you took at run at me and you are off to a similar start this 2012. I'm glad you are the shortest of the months.  You do have your redeeming qualities - mine, along with a few other important birthdays.  And roll-up-the-rim-to-win usually begins at the end of the month (which, incidentally coincides with the start of Lent - maybe Tim Horton's is on us).  Anyhow, you schooled me on your very first day (see previous post) and have slowly been chipping away at me with runny noses and crankiness (both kids and myself).  But you will not take me down., February.  I'm on to you.  And here - just to show you that I'm up to the challenge of seeing you through with a lightness of spirit - here is a list of things I am thankful for today.

 

• my community - both the live one and the virtual one on Facebook and email that helps me feel connected to others even when I haven't left the house in days
• healing kids - the noses are drying up (as the energy level ramps up too)
• Keith - he makes me feel cute even with my giant preggo belly and my red nose
• homemade bread, toasted with peanut butter
• a coffee and amazon order arriving precicely on my birthday
• Lucy's shenanigans. Like yesterday, after she fell in a puddle playing outside was inside alone for all of two minutes while I got Isaiah.  When I found her, she was hiding in the lazy susan, eating an entire loaf of fresh bread from the inside-out.
• Isaiah's imaginiation. Seriously, I love how his little mind works, the questions he asks and how much he wants to figure out his world.
• working washer, dryer and dishwasher. They were never broken - but they really do make my days so much easier and more convenient. I don't want to take them forgranted.
• Soft kleenex. Because we don't need to make having a cold any more unpleasant than it already is.
• Antibiotics - so my Lulu can feel better so much sooner.
• Knitting - because being able to create something, making neat, orderly rows can be very theraputic when your imagination runs away with you.
• The knees, elbows and feet of the babe growing in my belly. As uncomfortable as it can be to accomodate a baby in these last 6 weeks - it is also so reassuring to feel her swimming around in there.
• A God who is bigger than my greatest fears - even if they do someday become a reality.

And so, February - here is the beginning of what I know will be a very long list of blessings and thanksgivings.  I'll look back on them as your days go by, holding them in my heart.  You may defeat me in some moments, but I think I've got you beat overall.

 

when being the mom is not so fun

I had a good scare last night.  The kind that left me wrestling with myself most of the night and feeling unsettled this morning.  Last night, Lucy (who has been battling a juicy cold) looked over at me and said "My arm is sore." and pointed to her armpit region.  Hmm, I thought.  I wonder if she has swollen lymph glands from her cold.  And I told myself not to do it - but I did it anyway - I googled it.  The first words I saw were "lymphoma". Of course.  I knew that's what I would see first and I thought I had prepared myself to look at the other less sinister causes - but it didn't matter.  I suddenly saw my little Lucy who is just starting to want to brush her hair and put it in a ponytail - cry because it all fell out.  And see her energy and spunk and precociousness drift away in treatments and blood tests and more appointments.  I checked and rechecked her arms but I couldn't feel any lumps but this didn't make me feel any better.  When Keith got home I told him what she said and what I thought and how I went from thinking "Oh, it's just because she has a cold virus" to "maybe it's just mono or RSV" and onto "maybe it really is that word I can't bring myself to say."

She slept the night peacefully, humidifier on, head elevated.  I tossed and turned most of the night.  I called the pediatrician's office as soon as they opened this morning.  Keith had already left for work, trying to reassure me that her appetite was good, her energy level was good and she certainly wasn't acting like anything was wrong.  And he was right.  But I couldn't stop worrying.  After all of the courses on anatomy, physiology and pathophysiology I took in school, I have enough medical knowledge to freak myself out - but not enough to reassure myself. It's scary to be the mom sometimes.  When you decide if something is serious enough to call the doctor. So, I called.  I needed someone else to make that decision.  Cindy said "no, it isn't really common to get painful underarms with a cold. He should check her out."  So, I called Keith - half in a panic and he drove home to pick us up so we could make the 10:15am appointment (the only available one today).  The doctor  thoroughly checked her out.  No swelling or even tenderness in her underarm lymph nodes.  He could feel one gland on her right side, but it was small and moved easily.  She did have a nasty ear infection in the left ear - the side where she first told me her arm was sore.  He said he wasn't that surprised - that at her age it is difficult to know what a child means when they say they have pain or soreness somewhere.  That it isn't even necessarily referred pain - but they just don't feel right somewhere and they are trying to tell you. Praise the Lord.

So, Lucy is on the banana medicine for her ear and in 10 days when we go back for a follow-up he will recheck her right underarm gland - just to be sure.  I'm to check it here as well for any change.  The weird thing is, I don't even know how I'm feeling right now.  Relieved in many ways, but I feel like I have some residual anxiety or something.  Maybe it's the hormones from being so very pregnant, or the lack of sleep or the hastily eaten (and shared) breakfast as I was heading out the door. Maybe it was the three buses it took to get home.  Whatever it is, hopefully some afternoon quiet, maybe a nap, and some stories will help unwind my insides - not to mention a cup of hot tea and a few prayers of thanksgiving.

this moment

A moment from the week I'd like to pause, savour, and remember. Lulu asleep in the middle of "reading" her favourite stories.

Making...

I haven't posted here is so very long.  It has been a busy time in life for Keith, the kids and I.  We have been moved into our new townhome for nearly two months and are still working away at room painting and cooridnating.  Just this past weekend we finished painting Lucy's room and moved Isaiah into his own room.  They both have done wonderfully sleeping and playing in their own rooms.  Suddenly, Isaiah seems to be much closer to five than to four years old. Sigh.

 

Besides decorating our new home, I've been getting very nesty with this new baby's due date approaching.  We're still 7 full weeks away from my scheduled surgery date but I've been knitting and sewing and washing, sorting, soaking and cleaning since Christmas wrapped up.  I've had a few requests for what it is I've been working on with that new sewing machine I received for Christmas (Thank you again, Keith).  I can't believe how much sewing time I save now that I am not constantly rethreading the machine, fiddling with the bobbin case and ripping out messy stitches. Bliss.

 

Knitted Items:

 

Tea Leaves Cardigan. Yup, the knitting has been finished for weeks, but I finally got the ends weaved in, blocked and sewed on buttons this past weekend.  It fits well, I think.  It is a bit difficult to tell with the giant belly I currently have. :)  The yarn is Knitpicks Wool of the Andes Worsted Weight in Forest Heather.

 

Baby Cardigan. Keith also bought me "More Last MInute Knitted Gifts" for Christmas.  I could hardly wait to cast on the quick baby sweater. It is so cute.  The buttons are from Keith's grandma's stash I inherited.  The wool is again, Knitpicks Wool of the Andes Worsted in Cranberry.

 

Sewing!

 

Quick-Change Trousers.  I checked this book out of the library back in November sometime and had to renew it before I got the pattern traced out and packed away.  I pulled it out to make some of these pants for the new babe.  The instructions were great and I think she will love them.  Or at least I will love her in them. They are reversible and allowed me to use up some flannel in my fabric stash.  Wow, these are going to be warm. :) Lucy also loves them and so I made up a pair for her as well.  Unfortunatley, the pattern only goes up to 24 months so these are a bit short.  You'd think I would have just increased the length - but I had made a few other errors and well, it just didn't happen.  They still fit without the cuffs rolled up on cold days or as capris.

 

Swaddle Blanket.  If you haven't visited the Prudent Baby website, I recommend you do.  This little swaddle blanket I got done in a couple of hours and is quite clever in construction.

 

Soakers: These are another pattern I picked up online although I can't quite remember where.  I made two of the newborn sized ones since I'm actually fairly well off for small and medium diaper covers.  I hope these will fit as they do look rather small - but then again, I have pretty small babies.

It is amazing that all of these items have either been finished since Christmas.  I was a good little worker bee before Christmas as well - finishing a lot of handmades for my kids well before the deadline and even two sets of thrummed mittens for my sister and brother-in-law.  It has been a very rewarding time for me creatively but I'm starting to be able to do bits and pieces during the day with the kids awake and that means more time with the Keither in the evening. 

 

 

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