Oh, February...

You are a tough little month, February.  Last year you took at run at me and you are off to a similar start this 2012. I'm glad you are the shortest of the months.  You do have your redeeming qualities - mine, along with a few other important birthdays.  And roll-up-the-rim-to-win usually begins at the end of the month (which, incidentally coincides with the start of Lent - maybe Tim Horton's is on us).  Anyhow, you schooled me on your very first day (see previous post) and have slowly been chipping away at me with runny noses and crankiness (both kids and myself).  But you will not take me down., February.  I'm on to you.  And here - just to show you that I'm up to the challenge of seeing you through with a lightness of spirit - here is a list of things I am thankful for today.

 

• my community - both the live one and the virtual one on Facebook and email that helps me feel connected to others even when I haven't left the house in days
• healing kids - the noses are drying up (as the energy level ramps up too)
• Keith - he makes me feel cute even with my giant preggo belly and my red nose
• homemade bread, toasted with peanut butter
• a coffee and amazon order arriving precicely on my birthday
• Lucy's shenanigans. Like yesterday, after she fell in a puddle playing outside was inside alone for all of two minutes while I got Isaiah.  When I found her, she was hiding in the lazy susan, eating an entire loaf of fresh bread from the inside-out.
• Isaiah's imaginiation. Seriously, I love how his little mind works, the questions he asks and how much he wants to figure out his world.
• working washer, dryer and dishwasher. They were never broken - but they really do make my days so much easier and more convenient. I don't want to take them forgranted.
• Soft kleenex. Because we don't need to make having a cold any more unpleasant than it already is.
• Antibiotics - so my Lulu can feel better so much sooner.
• Knitting - because being able to create something, making neat, orderly rows can be very theraputic when your imagination runs away with you.
• The knees, elbows and feet of the babe growing in my belly. As uncomfortable as it can be to accomodate a baby in these last 6 weeks - it is also so reassuring to feel her swimming around in there.
• A God who is bigger than my greatest fears - even if they do someday become a reality.

And so, February - here is the beginning of what I know will be a very long list of blessings and thanksgivings.  I'll look back on them as your days go by, holding them in my heart.  You may defeat me in some moments, but I think I've got you beat overall.

 

when being the mom is not so fun

I had a good scare last night.  The kind that left me wrestling with myself most of the night and feeling unsettled this morning.  Last night, Lucy (who has been battling a juicy cold) looked over at me and said "My arm is sore." and pointed to her armpit region.  Hmm, I thought.  I wonder if she has swollen lymph glands from her cold.  And I told myself not to do it - but I did it anyway - I googled it.  The first words I saw were "lymphoma". Of course.  I knew that's what I would see first and I thought I had prepared myself to look at the other less sinister causes - but it didn't matter.  I suddenly saw my little Lucy who is just starting to want to brush her hair and put it in a ponytail - cry because it all fell out.  And see her energy and spunk and precociousness drift away in treatments and blood tests and more appointments.  I checked and rechecked her arms but I couldn't feel any lumps but this didn't make me feel any better.  When Keith got home I told him what she said and what I thought and how I went from thinking "Oh, it's just because she has a cold virus" to "maybe it's just mono or RSV" and onto "maybe it really is that word I can't bring myself to say."

She slept the night peacefully, humidifier on, head elevated.  I tossed and turned most of the night.  I called the pediatrician's office as soon as they opened this morning.  Keith had already left for work, trying to reassure me that her appetite was good, her energy level was good and she certainly wasn't acting like anything was wrong.  And he was right.  But I couldn't stop worrying.  After all of the courses on anatomy, physiology and pathophysiology I took in school, I have enough medical knowledge to freak myself out - but not enough to reassure myself. It's scary to be the mom sometimes.  When you decide if something is serious enough to call the doctor. So, I called.  I needed someone else to make that decision.  Cindy said "no, it isn't really common to get painful underarms with a cold. He should check her out."  So, I called Keith - half in a panic and he drove home to pick us up so we could make the 10:15am appointment (the only available one today).  The doctor  thoroughly checked her out.  No swelling or even tenderness in her underarm lymph nodes.  He could feel one gland on her right side, but it was small and moved easily.  She did have a nasty ear infection in the left ear - the side where she first told me her arm was sore.  He said he wasn't that surprised - that at her age it is difficult to know what a child means when they say they have pain or soreness somewhere.  That it isn't even necessarily referred pain - but they just don't feel right somewhere and they are trying to tell you. Praise the Lord.

So, Lucy is on the banana medicine for her ear and in 10 days when we go back for a follow-up he will recheck her right underarm gland - just to be sure.  I'm to check it here as well for any change.  The weird thing is, I don't even know how I'm feeling right now.  Relieved in many ways, but I feel like I have some residual anxiety or something.  Maybe it's the hormones from being so very pregnant, or the lack of sleep or the hastily eaten (and shared) breakfast as I was heading out the door. Maybe it was the three buses it took to get home.  Whatever it is, hopefully some afternoon quiet, maybe a nap, and some stories will help unwind my insides - not to mention a cup of hot tea and a few prayers of thanksgiving.